No it doesn’t mean I am closed off or bitter. Read on 🙂
My sister and I were having a conversation about me not dating. I turn everybody down. I don’t give my number out, don’t accept any and I pretty much stay indoors as best as I can. So she asked me why (as she does on a consistent basis) and each time I give her a different answer that sounds reasonable: I’m too busy, he’s not saved, he parties a lot… and the list goes on. Truth is, I just didn’t know how to tell her that I had a word from God and dating just isn’t in his plans for me right now. There are just some things that are hard to explain… especially spiritual things.
However, truthfully speaking, there was a time in my life, about a year and a half ago, where I was really stressing God for a husband. I made a husband list, prayed over it, put the list under my pillow, put it in my bible, brought it to church… anywhere I felt like I could place it to make it happen for me ASAP. Before you know it, I was telling myself that I am expecting him in faith, and so every brother that walked by me was possibly “him”.
It was stressful… and caused me to entertain some fakes. The more nothing happened, the more earnest my prayers became.
But as I continued to grow closer to God I learned one very important lesson, God is not really so concerned about what we want or what we are to have as he is concerned about WHO we are to become. It is nothing for God to open up his hands and hand us anything. He actually wants us to have the desires of our hearts. But he will not do it at the expense of who we are to become in him. As I looked back I realized, since the day I gave my life to him, he has been working in me to mold me into ALL that he has created me to be. Therefore, I needed to align with him and let that be my focus. With that lesson planted in my heart, I learned to let go and surrender. And day by day God’s love for me and plans for me are so crystal clear that I have no doubt that, in time, all things ordained for me will find me… husband included.
Even in this very difficult transition I have found myself in, truth is I have never known such peace and joy. I’ve fallen deeper in love with God and am falling deeper in love with myself – it’s like unearthing a treasure. Day by day I discover something else I am good at or passionate about and day by day I find out how deep God’s love for me is. I never even thought it possible to experience this level of relationship with a God I cannot see. Yet it is even more real to me than this keyboard I am tapping away at.
While I don’t consider myself waiting or looking for a husband, I sure do desire to be married in God’s time. Add to that the fact that I think marriage is just one of those things you want to leave all up to God. Because when we make a wrong choice or find ourselves manipulating outcomes, trying to get a man to pay attention to us or see our value, it doesn’t last – and then we’re left picking up the pieces.
Been there… done that and got the t-shirt. I’ve spent far too much time outside of the will of God, and its not nice out there, believe me.
Besides, I have so much going on right now and there is still so much more that God needs me to do. My only prayer, in this season, is to stay focused on finishing this course and making it to the other side. Whatever awaits me there, I will welcome it. Until then, I seek only the kingdom of God and whatever else he wants me to have, he will add it onto me.