Day 2 – I am not OK.

Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

Starting this journal on Day 2 feels a little strange, but it makes sense because Day 1 was all about cleaning and staying busy. I organized my home and gathered things Jaylen had left behind, excited about the chance to see him again. I won’t lie, I was really looking forward to it. But then he told me not to come, and I cried a bit.

So Day 2 has been heavy, which is why I’m writing all this down. It’s how I process my feelings.

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The Drop-Off

I dropped Jaylen off on Thursday, August 20, 2025. It was an incredibly exciting day. I was so happy and proud.. proud of him and proud of myself. I’d accomplished something I didn’t know was possible, something I’d always wanted but couldn’t have for myself. And I was able to do it for my son with little struggle. God has truly been kind to us.

It was a beautiful day. We made his new room so special and cozy. By the time I left at 11 p.m., I felt confident he would be okay. I wasn’t sad; I was relieved. We’d made it. He’d made it.

Jaylen wanted bed risers because his bed was lower than his roommate’s, so I ordered them and planned to take them to him. Friday was easy because I was looking forward to seeing him on Saturday. I was excited, spending the day cleaning and organizing all the things he had forgotten.

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The First Night Away

Then Friday night came. He was on the main campus hanging out until about 2 a.m., and I couldn’t sleep. I just couldn’t rest knowing he was out there. I knew he was safe with his friends on campus, but my “mommy heart” couldn’t settle down. I stayed up until he was back inside.

I prayed for him, read my Bible, and asked God for peace. I wasn’t prepared for this part. I knew I’d have to let go, that I’d worry and miss him, but you don’t truly understand until you experience it.

Did I do everything right? Did I prepare him enough? Will he make the right choices?

I know I just have to release him to God. He was never mine to keep; I was only ever a steward over him. Now that I have to live with that letting go, I’m struggling a bit. But I am praying, I laid a solid enough foundation.

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Embracing the New Chapter

I’ve heard it gets easier. I’ve heard that after a while, you start to rediscover who you were before you were responsible for every waking moment of their lives. For 18 years, I’ve had to watch over, protect, make decisions for, and provide for this child. It’s hard to remember who I was before that.

But I’m also excited to find out.

For today, though, I’m allowing myself to feel the sadness. I’m embracing the mourning and the grief as the silence sets in. Day 2 is heavy, and I’m letting myself feel that heaviness.