I hate to leave large gaps of time on the blog with no new posts because then it looks like the blog is abandoned.
I really do want to blog more regularly but it’s been difficult. Nothing comes. I think it is the season I am in. I feel like I am in a holding place. A waiting place. A place where God is saying “just hold steady, be still and trust me.” And I am trying but it is so, so difficult because the enemy has been relentless with his fiery darts.
That said, there are times when a month or two have gone by and I post nothing. Usually that means that I am in the midst of something – something that is wearing me out. In those times, I cannot write, except if it’s to say a prayer or vent. And I definitely cannot attempt to try to enlighten or teach anyone.
This is one of those times.
And to complicate matters even further, I feel as if God has been silent in my situation. I used to worry when this happens but I’ve been through enough tests to know when God is silent it’s because he knows I can handle it. And as hard as it is, the only thing that gets me through is clinging to Him even more: Praying without ceasing, staying in the word or just sitting in silence before him knowing eventually he will move or at the very least say something that will propel me forward.
So my absence here is no indication that I’ve gone away. I just need to refuel.
And since I’ve dragged you all into my pity party, as a parting gift :-), I would like to share a few of the things I have been intentionally doing to draw closer to God during this time. This is especially helpful when you are struggling with a disappointment, discouragement or even distractions. You will most likely have to fight through them, as I do. Most times, I just want to get some wine and drink my sorrows away. But I’ve grown past that. So just remember to rebuke your feelings and be intentional. (If you can fight your feelings and go to a job you hate every single day you can pretty much train your mind to do anything.) So here goes:
- Detach from social media. I deleted all the apps from my cellphone. Problem is, I am the social media manager for my job so I am plugged in all day. But once I leave work I log off. Social media gives us so much access to other people’s lives. And if we are not careful we will start comparing and comparison is the thief of joy. I found myself scrolling through someone’s page wondering: how come? Why not me? At that point I knew it was time to log off. God has brought me too far for me to start looking sideways. Besides I already learned that lesson.
- Fast and pray. It just gives me a deeper kind of clarity and focus I don’t seem to get otherwise. And it always seems to help lift the heaviness off my spirit. You can fast anything that will be a sacrifice to you – TV, social media, whatever – but for me that is usually food because there isn’t much else I can stop doing that would make any difference to me. I hardly watch TV as it is and I already deleted my social media apps.
- Detach from television. I turn it off and pray or listen to sermons on YouTube. At this time I have to guard my heart, sometimes certain shows or movies just leave me feeling worse. And this gives me some uninterrupted quiet time for God to speak.
- Go to bed with worship music playing. This just soothes me. When I am really going through it, Hillsong and all that cute gospel just doesn’t cut it. (Shout out to Hillsong though.) I need that old school, devil stomping, shouting in tongues, Pentecostal gospel. (Songs like: I want Jesus to walk with me…) I firmly believe that as I sleep, it is ministering to my spirit and my “inner man” is being strengthened.
- Attend regular prayer meetings or bible study if you usually don’t. I usually don’t. I do a lot during the week and so I never really have time. But in times like these I need all the word and prayer I can get so I cancel all my obligations and I am in church crying out to God on a Tuesday night. Besides it’s something about prayer meeting that is just different from regular Sunday service. I almost always experience deliverance or some kind of release there – no time to be cute.
- Pick a promise (or promises) from the bible that is specific to your situation and meditate on it. For me right now it is: “all things are working for my good, (Rom. 8:28)” because the things that are happening in my life make absolutely no sense. Sometimes I wonder how can God be for me and this be happening to me at the same time? But I know that I have to do according to Prov. 3:5 and that is trust God with all my heart and do not try to figure it out on my own. In time, it will all come together and God will get the glory. Of this, I am sure.
I allow you to ride the roller coaster of my faith because – for one it’s therapeutic – but also because we really are all in this thing together. It’s easy to fall for the illusion that everyone has it together but you. It’s easy to see people who seem to be walking upright or seem to be blessed beyond measure and idolize them. But the truth is everyone has their own struggles and we are all working out our own salvation. You just can’t see it. I would’ve given up on myself and my walk with God many times. But I learned that even my favorite pastor has his own struggles and that some of the people I looked up to went through the same things I did – if not worse – and that didn’t remove the promise of God over their lives. We just have to be resilient and diligent and when we feel weak, that is when we should seek God the most – not run away. I used to be guilty of running away. I used to be guilty of going back to the thing I used to do or know for comfort when I felt let down by God. I now know that that is a trick of the enemy and I am not about to help him devour me. Like… NO!
I’ve gotten some wonderful messages over the past few weeks. I’m still amazed that people still email me. You have no idea how much it means to me when you take time out of your busy life to say how much this blog is blessing you or even how beautiful my writing is. It encourages me and it reminds me that God can use even me and that alone keeps me wanting to press forward.
Pray for me as I pray for you and if, like me, you feel like you’re under attack, remember, the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God… (2 Cor 10:4). Our fight is a faith fight and we have to put on the whole armor of God so that we will be able to stand (Eph. 6:10).
Jesus overcame so victory is ours… Always (John 16:33).
I’ll be back with a victorious testimony.