When God Says “No.”

fire
It’s like watching your dream in flames…

All my dreams went up in smoke today. Every prayer. Every tear. All the days waiting, crying out, fasting. Just up in ashes.

All of it died a quiet death today.

No thunder. No fanfare. No explosion. Just a quick, quiet death, with a simple, “no.”

I’d say I’m disappointed but I’m not. Or maybe it just hasn’t hit me yet. I’m more confused than anything else but I don’t feel disappointed, or angry or even sad.

It just feels like.. this is the reality. This is what it is.

Move on.

I feel a kind of relief. A kind of gratitude that it is over and now I know. There’s something comforting in the midst of this loss –  I’ll never have to feel the pain of hope deferred ever again. And that’s a relief.

But what now? How do I move on?

I realize I’ll  have to reposition myself. Pray new prayers, find new hopes, dream new dreams.

Truth is, I’m not even sure who I am now without this thing… or the possibility of it… and I think that’s the part that’s frightening. It isn’t so much about the loss. I can handle the loss. But who will I have to be now? That’s the part that’s scary.

I’d built a whole identity around this thing.

And what do I do with all of the hopes and dreams I had? All of the plans? I guess they weren’t mine to make.

The good thing about destruction is you get to start again. Ironically, the theme in church yesterday was “you can begin again.” And there I was praising my heart out not knowing they were prophesying my death.

“You can begin again… the best is yet to come,” they said.

I can still hear the children singing in my head.

The funny thing about life is you don’t get to decide if you should move on, you just kinda have to.

I just wish I knew where to start.

But I know my God will help me. He saw me here before I even got here. I prayed every step of the way. Why he didn’t step in, I guess I’ll never know.

But he did say, his grace is sufficient. It is sufficient… even for me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

I will begin again.

Looking back,  I’d do it all over and I wouldn’t change a thing. I took a risk, stepped out on faith and though it didn’t take me where I hoped –  at least I saw it through.

I saw it through to the very end. And for this peace, for this knowing –  I’d do it all again. Even in spite of the pain.

Selah.

2 thoughts on “When God Says “No.”

  1. Kelz

    Beautiful post. It hurts and at times our pain is indescribable! But God has a plan, and that route you wanted to take wasn’t designed for the destined purpose he has for you! I’m thankful you know His voice and are obedient to His will.

    Keep writing, keep blogging, and keep praying.

    Liked by 1 person

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