All my dreams went up in smoke today. Every prayer. Every tear. All the days waiting, crying out, fasting. Just up in ashes.

All of it died a quiet death today.

No thunder. No fanfare. No explosion. Just a quick, quiet death, with a simple, “no.”

I’d say I’m disappointed but I’m not. Or maybe it just hasn’t hit me yet. I’m more confused than anything else but I don’t feel disappointed, or angry or even sad.

It just feels like.. this is the reality. This is what it is.

Move on.

I feel a kind of relief. A kind of gratitude that it is over and now I know. There’s something comforting in the midst of this loss –  I’ll never have to feel the pain of hope deferred ever again. And that’s a relief.

But what now? How do I move on?

I realize I’ll  have to reposition myself. Pray new prayers, find new hopes, dream new dreams.

Truth is, I’m not even sure who I am now without this thing… or the possibility of it… and I think that’s the part that’s frightening. It isn’t so much about the loss. I can handle the loss. But who will I have to be now? That’s the part that’s scary.

I’d built a whole identity around this thing.

And what do I do with all of the hopes and dreams I had? All of the plans? I guess they weren’t mine to make.

The good thing about destruction is you get to start again. Ironically, the theme in church yesterday was “you can begin again.” And there I was praising my heart out not knowing they were prophesying my death.

“You can begin again… the best is yet to come,” they said.

I can still hear the children singing in my head.

The funny thing about life is you don’t get to decide if you should move on, you just kinda have to.

I just wish I knew where to start.

But I know my God will help me. He saw me here before I even got here. I prayed every step of the way. Why he didn’t step in, I guess I’ll never know.

But he did say, his grace is sufficient. It is sufficient… even for me. (2 Cor. 12:9)

I will begin again.

Looking back,  I’d do it all over and I wouldn’t change a thing. I took a risk, stepped out on faith and though it didn’t take me where I hoped –  at least I saw it through.

I saw it through to the very end. And for this peace, for this knowing –  I’d do it all again. Even in spite of the pain.

Selah.