I finally have some down time after a very grueling ten months. The semester is over. My internships are complete. I’ve taken a “break” from my newspaper obligations, which will resume later this month. The Christmas and New Year bustle is behind me and my son is back in school which has given me some much needed down time.
I’ve literally been running around spinning my wheels for the better part of a year. For the first time in a long time, life is quiet but my head is still spinning from all the turmoil of the previous year and so the adjustment, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, is dizzying.
I am restless beyond belief. My mind is restless. My body is restless. I literally feel as if I am going stir crazy with all the stillness. I thought I’d be relieved. I was sure I would be happy to have nothing to do but read, rest and relax. I ordered some books from Amazon which I vowed to read before the semester resumes in February but I can’t stay still enough to focus – which is strange considering my very introverted personality typically enjoys the solitude just to read and process.
Lately, even sleep is elusive.
I’ve been praying relentlessly for God to point me to what’s next – to give me something to do. But God has been quiet and the silence is deafening. Or maybe with all the internal chatter I just can’t get quiet enough to hear him. So I’ve been busy creating my own noise.
I’ve listened to every TD Jakes and Charles Stanley sermon on YouTube. I’ve been discovering new music and making new playlists, writing, working out – anything to do to make the days and nights easier to pass.
One of my favorite bible verses is Isaiah 30:15 “In quietness and confidence shall be your strength.” Usually, I live by this. But for some reason I can’t get still to save my life and this restlessness in my spirit is unnerving.
After all the tumult of 2014, I declared 2015 the year of stillness. I’ve been everything but… Maybe I’m being tested.
I’ve tried praying and fasting – still the restlessness won’t break. Maybe there is something God is calling my attention to. But I can’t seem to hear from him.
Bishop Jakes said when God is quiet it’s because we can handle it. Maybe so.
Either way, I have no profound revelation to share today. Except that I think I am on the verge of something I can’t yet place my finger on. What to do but wait?
“Master, speak thy servant heareth.”